woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
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