if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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