Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
