Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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