We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
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