Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Don't make out with my wife yet
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
