just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
