Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
