dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
