The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
