I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
