Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
