There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Can you bring me the toilet please
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
