The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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