I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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