sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
