Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just sucked dick on a ferry
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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