My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
