saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
