you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
