If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
