Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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