I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
