made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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