If that was your dad, he is hot
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
