It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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