if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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