either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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