The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I think weed is turning my hair brown
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
