Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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