i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
