she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
