normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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