I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
