We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
