she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
