I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
