I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize