I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
