non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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