Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Randomize
