"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
