the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
