My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
