i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
