My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
be right there i have to get my cape
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
