the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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