In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
