In the future we'll all be gay
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Randomize
