Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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