my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
