I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize