i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
