You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
