Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
