i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
