Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
