I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
